We’re living in the Internet age; a time when all human knowledge, anything you could ever want, is just a click away. Thus, I wasn’t at all surprised when an apple core, supposedly eaten by Tiger Woods, appeared for sale on e-bay.
I guess, sometimes, one man’s trash really is another man’s treasure.
I was definitely amused, though, so I decided to check out the sale, which appears to have been taken down. The ad did say that the core was “scooped up in a beer cup to avoid disturbing the DNA”, and also that all proceeds would go toward a college fund for the seller’s daughter.
Better hope she gets a scholarship, because at my last check the price for the core had only reached $100.
Apparently, the e-bay community also thought the sale was pretty funny. Today, there’s someone selling another “official” Tiger Woods apple (Item 160253893882), two people selling apple cores that they ate while watching Tiger Woods (180257937309 and 140244298257), and one person selling the core of an apple he found near the woods in Tiger, Georgia (160254815134).
While I was there, I decided to see what other weird commodities could be found in the worlds largest garage sale.
Without further ado... Here are then 10 strangest things I found on e-bay.
10. Antique snake bite repair kit (6249881565) – There’s no date, but apparently, before modern medicine, a snake bite kit consisted of a razor blade and a small vial of antiseptic. Wow, why not just make it a gun and one bullet.
9. Cerebral Stimulator (150262457871) - While the snake bight kit may have been bad medicine, this thing is just plain stupid. Basically, it’s just a copper pipe with 10 thick copper wires coming off of it. The pipe part is placed above the head with the wires touching all around the skull. Sounds kind of like a human-lightning-rod kit, if you ask me.
8. Invisible soccer ball (150262919043) – I’ve never heard of one either, and I’ve definitely never seen one... which, I guess, is the point. Still, you can tell it’s the real deal because the box looks completely empty. Now, if they could only make invisible soccer players... That would be way more entertaining then normal soccer.
7. Decorated penis gourd (110263942947) .– At first, I thought the word should be “guard”, but it turns out this traditional tube-shaped, tiger-striped junk-cover really is made out of a gourd. The ad calls the piece “traditional” and says that it was made and decorated by the Kamanibit people, who live in the Sepik area of Papua New Guinea. I really don’t know anything about the Kamanbit, except that they’re definitely not a small people. This gourd is over 10 inches long.
6. Coprolite (370062026706) – Who says you can’t polish a turd? It would appear that polished dinosaur poop sells quite well on e-bay. There are many auctions going, for many different kinds of fossilized dung. Most say things like “great specimen” or “unique gift”. Personally, I would say that if you’re hanging out with people who would accept poo as a gift, you should probably get new friends.
5. Human soul (300236720783) – It’s not the first soul sold on e-bay, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Reportedly, one sold for around $400 not too long ago. Anyway, the person selling this one says he needs the money, and that the winner will receive a certificate of authenticity for the soul. He has also limited the sale to fellow humans. “No Satanists, occults, pixies, warlords, elf’s or even Satan himself may bid.”
4. Invisibility (130232659564) – “This is not a toy or a magic trick. This is not an illusion or a ninja technique.” What it is, apparently, is the secret to becoming invisible. The ad further promises that “You will not have a shadow,” and that the method “will work even when you’re completely surrounded by cameras and people.” This one is hilarious. Half way down the page, there’s a drawing of an invisible guy lifting up a woman’s skirt. Above the picture, it warns that these powers should be used for “moral” purposes only. The best part, though, is that the invisible guy is wearing a red hat and sunglasses, which are clearly visible. Why would someone who’s invisible do that? And, do you have to be naked to be invisible? Also, buyers will get a bonus “Wizard’s Book”. This extra book teaches readers many useful things, like how to command bugs, how to teach your pets to dance on stilts, and even how to bring dead creatures back to life!
3. Plans for a sonic nausea device (320200017420) – You’ll know you have the right auction when you see the picture of the guy vomiting. With only basic soldering and electronics skills, the purchaser of these plans will, I’m guessing, be able to create some kind of sound device capable of making everyone in the vicinity lose their lunch. Useful. This seller is also hawking plans for an atom smasher. I bet this one comes with a free visit from the FBI!
2. Possibly haunted, big-breasted tomato (320266504133) – Yep, that’s right... It’s a tomato that’s shaped like a pair of woman’s breasts, and if it was to scale, I would guess we would be talking about at least D-cups. If that wasn’t strange enough, the seller believes the fruit, which came from her garden, may be haunted by the spirit of her sister Jenny, who died of breast cancer. But here’s the twist, you can’t bid on the tomato... because e-bay doesn’t allow the sale of food. So instead, the seller wants you to buy a porcelain doll left to her by the dead sister... because that’s what the tomato is telling her to do. Got all that?
1. The “Brief Safe” (320168468249) – When you’re just too crazy to buy a regular safe, the brief safe will keep your money secure at all costs (even your dignity). Basically, it’s a pair of white men’s underwear, rigged with a special pouch to hold valuables. You simply stow your possessions in the safe’s pouch and throw it on the floor. What thief will look in your dirty undies, right? But... How will a thief know they’re dirty, you ask? Simple! The brief safe comes with “special markings”... Yeah, that’s right. They come with skidmarks. As the ad puts it: “Even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will ‘skid’ to a screeching halt as soon as they see them.” The ad also suggests that you use “doo drops” (another of the seller's products) for a realistic smell. You guessed it... “Doo drops look and smell like real diarrhea!”